i bloody hate field research, how many bloody times must I bitch about it? I dread the thought of begging people to help me for my research. Wish that I don't have to pretend to be so nice and humble when asking for help. Yucks, makes me wana puke when I gota act real coy and pathetic and sorry for intruding on other people's time.

Hate doing so many readings coz Im so bloody sick of reading the same old shit from article to article. Don't think I am cut out for research. Or perhaps this is not the right time of the year to do any research coz I have too many unsettled issues to handle.

I feel so down.
but I do feel good once in a while when I am kept busy which I am trying to do now.
But i still feel down at the end of the day.
I can't focus, I have a really terrible time focussing.
Wish I know some form of meditation so that I can feel some kinda inner calm.
I am already suppressing so much in me coz I know I will just get violent if I don't.
I feel so choked and this is really making me feel terrible.
I wish I have an angel to guide me, to teach me how to alleviate this pain.
I wish there is someone whom I know will always stand by me.
I don't wana feel so lost, I am trying so hard to put on a facade so that nobody can guess the real me.
I believe that most people think that I am really cranky and happy go lucky.
Wish i have someone who really understands me.
Gee, does this sound like some bloody list of characteristics I wish to find in my soulmate?
I dunno...
just feel damn down even though I have talked to so many people.
Why?
Why me?
Why not someone else?

My wrist hurts. must be due to long hours at the computer. I am so damn glad that I am doing a research on role playing games. It is kinda fun reading articles on them. I am aching and I wana sleep. But there are so many entanglements which I need to free before I can sleep in peace. I try to deny the past and deny its existence but the mental flashbacks would not stop appearing. I want to put them into the trash folder of my brain and delete them all permanently but they are all encapsulated in the deepest subconsciousness of my mind which is so intangible that I cannot reach out and grab them before trashing them away.

Talking and bitching to people doesnt help much but it does alleviate some pain. Going out makes me feel worse because not only am I aware that going out is temporary anaesthesia, I am also aware that I am wasting time trying to numb myself by going out and that I could be studying productively at home. So it pains even more.

I wana get high on something which makes me happy. Someone's hug and kiss won't help coz he makes me more miserable. I wish someone can just slap me and tell me off. I don't wana hear anymore consolation. I need someone to transform my misery into pure hate or perhaps oblivion. I don't like the state that I am in right now, so pathetic, so loser-ish.

Damn.this.lousy.screwed.up.life.
ciao.

Are you still upset?
Upset about what?
About that thing...
No, why should I? I hate guys now
Are you sure?
Okay, maybe not all, but at least those who cheat on their girls. Oh yes, i hate those sluts who seduce unavailable men.
For God's sake, you are no longer living in the 70s. People have the right to choose, the right to dump their other half as and when they feel like it. As for the sluts, well as long as they really like the guy, they have the right to seduce him. So what's YOUR problem?
Dunno... Just hate this kinda unethical behaviour.
What is ethical behaviour then? By whose definition? Yours?
Not just mine, but the majority's.
How sure are you that your definition is similar to most of ours?
Dunno.
There, nobody is really in the wrong then.
Fuck, if nobody's in the wrong, then I would rather blame myself.
For what?
To make myself feel better since I can't find the reason for the way things have come to such a sorry state.
Are you sure u feel better pushing all the blame to yourself?
Yes, in fact it helps me to recover faster. My heart was dead within 4 days? I am glad I numbed myself so fast.
Are you sure u really don't feel sad anymore?
Why should I?
If you aren't, why hate them still and why look back?
Because I still feel cheated.
There you are, you haven't really gotten over it yet, you are not numb, you are deceiving yourself.
Dammit, looks like I gota learn meditation. Wana calm myself down.
No use learning it if you can't even calm yourself down in the first place. Plus, you gota free yourself from all hatred.
But it's SOOO TOUGH!
Cool it man...
It is so bloody tough when everything in your life just seems to go wrong! I feel so disheartened.
Focus on your priorities for goodness sake!
I tried but I couldn't
That's a bloody lame excuse for you have not tried hard enough.
Fine, then it's my fault. But i can't help it.
Fine, u win.
Yes, i do so u gota listen to me okay?
Alright, I will try to walk with dignity again.

How many times should we be hurt in life? How many times should we feel disappointed with ourselves? How many more lessons must I undergo in order to make me stronger? I wish I know. Life is really a manifestation of hell. I wish I could voice my protest before I was even brought into this world. I wish I am empowered in many ways. I wish that the arseholes who deceived me or hurt me indirectly could be destroyed by a click of a button. fuck them.

I would rather hear the truth if hiding the truth may harm me even more.

I think I need counselling or maybe psychiatric help?

I wana open up my mind and heart but I just can't. I am too troubled and harbour so much hatred.
I hope I am not going outa my mind coz it feels like i am.
My studies are going downhill, so is my mood.

Everything ain't going well and if this continues, I will either suffer a mental breakdown or I will hurt them mentally.
Deceptive, two face liars...

i hate big time farking liars. i believe that if a person can lie to u big time, he can lie again and again. i am so disappointed in trusting someone so much. he has lost my trust coz i discovered that i have been deceived for almost a year. i can't distrust men anymore. or at least most men. i hate being lied to. i wana destroy him and that slut. i will make sure that he will never build up a stable career and i want her to lose her job as a lecturer at la salle :) i hate them... i hate lies... i hate being lied to... i hate friends who lie to me big time...

Hey, does anybody out here know what MUD and MOO is? If so, can u please tell me if your school has ever taught u English using either of these? Thanks!~

Came back from HK not long ago... HAd a tremendous time doing no brainer activities there such as shopping and eating. I hope i lost weight after doing that much shopping. so little time to shop yet so much things i wana buy.. sigh.. i am amazed at myself, how i can ever walk non stop and rest only when i need to eat. i am even more amazed at the amount of money i spent. gee.. i realised that i am so darn energetic and if i ever felt tired, i just had to go into a shopping mall and i would be recharged again. :P I love the food there too. the smelly tofu i ate wasn't authentic enough coz it wasn't as smelly as i expected it to be, i vow to eat a smellier one when i go HK again. the dim sum is so gdddd, the egg tarts so fresshhhh and the chee cheong fun skin just slides down your throat. *shudders with ecstasy* the gals in HK are really pretty, the handsome guys can only be found in Mongkok or at least that is what I think. The scenery at the ferry terminal is so beautifulll that i kept snapping pics on the ferry till i ran outa film. my friends kept a distance from me when i started snapping pics of the electric tram and the sleazy neon bill boards hee... It's a pity I didn't get to do much sightseeing, actually wanted to go to the Peak, Mid levels and the wishing tree. Oh well, I vow to go to these places the next time... :D I love the way the roads are constructed in HK, they can slope down at 45 degrees or more and it is exhilarting when the cab accelerates downhill. The winding roads flying above and across to the other side just simply make a beautiful scenery... ;) Oh man, this is the most enjoyable trip I have so far since it is the first time overseas with my friends, pheww... Okay, let me go and check my weight.. ciao... ;P

I can't believe that I have neglected my bloggy for so long. I miss spewing out nonsense here. I have been so tied down with school work and all. I kinda hate research. Coz it means having to source for my own materials. I have been spoon fed all my life by teachers so now I am struggling with the resourcing. I should not complain about this coz research is all about sourcing for my own stuff. But I wish I have some clue as to where to start from. Sigh. The failure of the education system is in moulding us into dependent students who rely on their teachers. I am one of these faulty products. However, if teachers refuse to spoonfeed the students, they will be seen as lazy, unresourceful, incompetent etc. So what's the solution? I suppose sufficient scaffolding to guide the kids to search for the right things would be good, as long as u dont have to give them the material directly. Well, i hope i am making sense. I think my brain is pretty "garbled". I had better stop here before I talk more rubbish. Oh yes, I dreamt that WWIII broke out and the Japs were ready to take back revenge on Singaporean Chinese! Oh gosh, this is the second time I have dreamt about a Jap invasion in WW3! Sigh, I hope I didn't go into time travel and forsee everything. It would be scary if this comes true... touchwood...