My wrist hurts. must be due to long hours at the computer. I am so damn glad that I am doing a research on role playing games. It is kinda fun reading articles on them. I am aching and I wana sleep. But there are so many entanglements which I need to free before I can sleep in peace. I try to deny the past and deny its existence but the mental flashbacks would not stop appearing. I want to put them into the trash folder of my brain and delete them all permanently but they are all encapsulated in the deepest subconsciousness of my mind which is so intangible that I cannot reach out and grab them before trashing them away.

Talking and bitching to people doesnt help much but it does alleviate some pain. Going out makes me feel worse because not only am I aware that going out is temporary anaesthesia, I am also aware that I am wasting time trying to numb myself by going out and that I could be studying productively at home. So it pains even more.

I wana get high on something which makes me happy. Someone's hug and kiss won't help coz he makes me more miserable. I wish someone can just slap me and tell me off. I don't wana hear anymore consolation. I need someone to transform my misery into pure hate or perhaps oblivion. I don't like the state that I am in right now, so pathetic, so loser-ish.

Damn.this.lousy.screwed.up.life.
ciao.