Gee, I just read shuen's entry and it is also about cockroaches! Cool, great minds think alike *grins* I wonder if cockroaches are the latest fad? If Singapore were to choose an insect for national symbolism, I think the cockroach would be nice. It represents the resolve of Singaporeans, the ability to soar high (to success), intelligence and might of our small country and the ugliness of Singaporeans (it looks real ugly anyway and since Singaporeans have an ugly side to them such as kiasuism, I think it is really appropriate).

I am actually cringing at the thought of having a cockroach to symbolize the typical Singaporean. Gross but I guess that's the best insect I can think of. I definitely will not choose the lizard coz it's slimy, scaley and climbs around like spiderman.

Enough talk about these insects, I don't wana lose my appetite for lunch :)

I dunno why but I keep thinking of the show Joe's room. Keep thinking of the cockroaches doing synchronised swimming and them singing off pitch. yucks! I would love to tear off their wings bit by bit and let them suffer in pain or if not, glue their wings to their body so that they can only crawl. Next, I would peel off one feeler and tie the other into a dead knot. Then I would tie one of its legs to a mini shackle so that it can't crawl properly. I contemplated blinding it but decided not to so that it can see what is its predator (the praying mantis!) before it dies, I guess I am kind enough to let it go in peace knowing who its murderer is ;) I hope that its dying process is mild and "unbloody" enough. Ahh, I do remember how I killed a lizard when I was young but it was kinda messy. The disgusting creature was resting on the wall next to a table and without warning, I slammed the table against the lizard crushing its skull and I could see the brain muck. Well, that was a quick and easy death so I spared the lizard from its miserable, pathetic life :)

Cheers to me! ;)

I am glad I have finally proven myself to those people who think or secretly wish that I can't go far in my studies. I am still reeling from the feeling of triumph when I was informed that I would be accepted into the honours programme. It's ironic that I feel triumphant instead of genuinely happy. Perhaps it's because I have been slogging so hard for the sake of spiting those idiots who think so lowly of me. I wish I have been slogging hard simply because I have a passion for the subject. Anyhow, I am glad my prayers have been answered and that I will be earning more money than those irritants. Of course, I have decided to concentrate fully on getting upper class honours so that it can help me take my mind off those matters which trouble me. I can now clearly line up my priorities in life, I am so damn glad.

Do ignore the earlier blog which had me reminiscing about the good old days in school :) I can't wait to embrace myself with lots of garlic in fishball noodles and strengthen my immune system once again yay!

I would like to be a hack writer for X files. Everytime the episode talks of some conspiracy thingy, I am tempted to tell the scriptwriter that he/she is overdoing it. If they are gona mention about creating superhumans again or for the search of truth, I am gona scream. Their ideas are not far fetched at all, it is possible that some crazy scientists may be genetically modifying some frankenstein. It is the same old idea that keeps repeating season after season that bugs me. Dana Scully is always searching for answers or rather the truth of what is going on and that pisses me. There is no truth, truth is so subjective and something is true only when u wana perceive it to be true. Truth is also influenced by our beliefs. If I am socialized from young to believe that a person who says xx is speaking the truth, I will most likely believe that whoever says xx is not lying. *shrugs* I dont believe in the existence of absolute truth.

If I am writing for X files, I will write about:
how DNA is secretly extracted from ET and mixed with Scully's DNA to form a living entity, Scuet, who takes the form of human in the day while transforming into an extra terrestrial form at nite. Scuet has satellite - like senses which enable it to receive all kinds of signals and communicate with people via telepathy. Scuet can do extremely complex Scientific and Mathematical calculations which will shame all human scientists and mathematicians. Unfortunately Scuet lacks social etiquette and it needs to learn how to eat without slurping loudly and making deep throated burps. It must also learn how to sit properly without putting one leg up on the seat like rickshaw pullers. Scuet does not have to use its legs to help it walk, it can extend its arms to help it swing from tree to tree (like a monkey). Oh yes, it also has a telescopic eyesight which also has X-ray powers so it can see if you are suffering from constipation or not. When Scuet is attacked, the thousands of scales on its scaley body will sharpen and fly off its body like boomerangs. These scales are so sharp, dangerous and intelligent that they will not stop pursuing the attackers until they slice the attackers into perfect symmetrical halves. Once the scales have done their job, they will die. Fortunately, the scales can be regenerated on Scuet's body and to speed the growth of new scales, Scuet has to increase its daily intake of fresh scaley fish or other scaley reptiles, the more scales the better. Scuet is rather fearless, the only thing it is afraid of is water. Imagine Scuet thrashing about in the baby pool and screaming its lungs out for mama while grabbing tightly on its float. Aww what a poor dear. Since it cannot exercise by swimming, its only other favourite sport is the Great Singapore workout.

I take my break now, laterz...

How ugly can a woman be? (title is quoted from shuen)

I had a really great people bashing today with shuen *grins* I sent him pics of this ultimate slut whom I hate to the core and this is the outcome of our conversation:

shuen: OMG she looks like a cadaver. she's so fucking ugly! she looks like some evil looking ugly mummy. she looks like a boar without the tusks , or those Lord of the Ring monsters without sharp teeth or fangs or anything.

me: and a hippopotamus with an extra huge and smelly mouth

shuen: anyone who has sex with her must have been intoxicated, insane or knocked unconscious.

me: they probably will wana switch off all the lites first. if they wake up at nite, they will get a cardiac arrest upon seeing her.

shuen: er i think he should put a mask on her ugly mug and say dear let's go for fancy costumes. the cheapskate way is of course, put a plastic bag over her and paste a photo of some hot babe on the plastic bag.

me: yeah and in the process suffocate her

shuen: he shld send her for plastic surgery man, just don't let the doctor do a sex change operation "i think u look better as a man. man cannot imagine anyone in bed with her, no wonder she has to give people gifts and money to make them have sex with her sheesh

me: she gota buy realy kinky lookin lingerie to help men fantasize

shuen: god NO NO NO. its bad enough that she's ugly, wearing skimpy underwear would be... man, i think Cupid will just shoot her to death.

me: well, if the lites are off and the silky nice touch of the lingerie can titillate the minds of men, why not?
lol cupid will kill himself first

shuen: er no amount of imagination can save her, she's beyond hope. i think people would say, er if you pay me this amount of money then i might consider sheesh SHE'S FUCKING UGLY.

me: mayb i shud compose a poem for her. shud i start with:
ppl say that we are god's children
coz we are beautiful
so what happened to u?
too bad i duno how to write a music score if not, i can create some kinda horror movie theme kinda song

shuen: lol write a song about her!!!! and if u get in on the radio waves MAN mmwhahahaha

me: singlish version --
when i was born, my mama told me that everyone is beautiful so why u look like that?

shuen: God smiles on all of us, that's what the pastor said so why did he laugh at you

me: perfect english version --
I never believed in being superficial but after seeing you, my world came crashing down, a wave of pity swept over me, I have decided to kill myself coz I can no longer believe in my principles

shuen: You know if Satan should come up and he sees your ugly mug the only thing he can say is
would you like to be my lientenant of fear? You are so fucking ugly you fit the bill

me: she can be a walking tool for euthanasia

shuen: well if you should be abandoned on an island with a horde of horny men who had not had sex for eons they would rather fuck a cow or a sheep or a hamster rather than FUCK YOU. If you should go to a bar for a one night stand you have to use lots of alcohol and drugs to make the poor guy FUCK YOU
You might have to hynopotise him into believing that you are Lydia the fat HKie because that's the most
you can make him believe

me: even lydia has gota pretty face coz shez got nice sharp features. the only person who would wana rip this slut apart will be jack the ripper

shuen: If you are a courtesan in the time of Jack the Ripper, he will probably look at you and laugh and say
you are not worth my time you are better killed by Men who can't stand Ugly Women

me: mayb count dracula may condescend to get close to her coz he needs blood but her blood aint sweet, young and fresh anymore

shuen: If Jesus Christ came down to die for our sins he will probably say I don't wanna die for you
you UGLY BITCH

me: lol i think she can be considered as one of the levels of hell whereby all the ghosts who committed murder in their life will have to go thru her and get scared to death

shuen: If my dog is horny and he wants someone to rub against it won't be you, you are just too ugly
he prefers a lamppost

me: if anyone wana commit suicide successfully, look for her

shuen: If a crow should chance upon her bathing the crow will attempt to die by flying towards the ground. she is just so ugly!

me: if a woodpecker sees her, the poor woodpecker would rather get its head stuck in the hole which it has bore in the tree than to see her face

shuen: heh and the tree will grow legs and run off

me: lol the tree will wither immediately and of course, the ostrich will rather bury its head for as long as it can

shuen: if she should EVER be a stripper she would be the ultimate killer the unveiling of her at some social function will be equivalent to sarin gas or just sadako

me: lol even sadako will be scared to death, sadako wud rather hide in the well or sadako may crawl back into the well if she crawls out and sees her face

shuen: heh i think the insects in The Mummy must have eaten up her face

me: lol and the insects must have died after eating her

shuen: lol ok lah enough bashing for a day, i am going offline:P u have fun posting it all up

And yes! I am having lots of fun doing this *Grins* U are welcomed to put in more contributions :) Oh man, it was really cathartic allowing our creative juices run wild. shuen, we should do more of this hehe...

Thought of the day: Blogging is really cathartic though not the only avenue for release :)

damn u bloody blog, i have to rewrite my blog again. Anyhow, I had a good wrkout with my left arm coz I had to carry so many reference books home in preparation for my work. I dread work, I miss schooling days coz I get to sleep more.

I can no longer stuff myself with the canteen's fantastic fishball noodles and raw pounded garlic after which I would open my mouth and say AHHH to my friends who would of course squirm at the garlic smell (i believe that the garlic boosted my immune system big time). I miss the days when I could bitch with my friends erhh I mean discuss with my friends. I used to sit cross legged with my feet on the seat so that I looked like I meditated during lectures while causing minimal discomfort to my friends' nose. During some lectures, I would eat food bought outside the school and I deliberately fanned the aroma of the food to my classmates so that they would go crazy with hunger and envy. I miss those times when I got to subject my friends to trauma by bullying or abusing them in every possible way. One good example is how I used to prevent my classmate from falling asleep during a really boring lecture by pinching her fats erm i mean her sides so that everytime she was about to slip off into dreamland, she would be awaken with a start. My funny and corny lecturers will be missed too coz I miss laughing at them (mind u, I have never laughed along with their jokes). Ah going to the library was thrilling coz I had to sneak in without being thrown out for wearing sandals, spaghetti tops and bringing food in (which I would afterward eat there). It's amazing how the reception in one part of the library comes under Malaysia's coverage or at least that happened to my friend who is a Singtel user. The computers were the library were my victims coz I would test my old diskettes on them to see if they are corrupted or not, if they are, the A drive of the computer would not be able to function anymore so I would not use these diskettes on my home PC :) Smart eh? Am so proud of the way I exploit the school's resources, this is called thinking out of the box.

I took a translation module and it was exciting except that the Chinese words drove me crazy coz I couldnt pronounce or decipher most of them. Even during the exam, I spent some time guessing the meaning of some words but I believe that I made an intelligent guess of their meaning. My singing classes had a calming effect on me as my classmates sang really well while I was screeching on high notes. My conducting classes were fun coz I fantasized using the baton as a light sabre (literally light i.e. not heavy).

The biggest regret is not having mastered the art of sleeping with my eyes open coz that would be really useful man...
Sighh, those were the days...

Hmm, I just came across a website and people were commenting that you can use hypnosis to find out your past life. Cool, I would definitely wana find out mine. I believe that I must have been a really ugly person and had low self esteem about my looks so that's why I am so narcissistic in this life hehe. It would be interesting to have a peek into the different eras and see how I behaved accordingly.

The many IFs:
If I was a general, I probably would have tortured my enemies in a sadistic manner.
If I was a pretty and rich princess, I would have taken in lots of male concubines and reward them with money if they turn out to be my good slaves *grins*
If I was a famous composer in the 16th century like Monteverdi or Carl Orf, I would have composed songs worshipping the human body.
If I was a writer, the title of my first book would have been: How to play mind games with your enemies and drive them to suicide.
If I was a mental patient, I would have killed the wardens and escaped.
If I was a prisoner, I would have released all the rats, cockroaches, lizards etc that I have caught over a period of one year and escape through a tunnel I had been digging so that I can get away from the slimy creatures and let them create a chaos in the prison. I hope everyone including the prisoners and wardens would get "insectophobia" and end up killing themselves because they would have hallucinations of those creepy crawlies crawling all over their body. Reminds me of some X files episode. :)

Enough possibilities of what I could have been. I am contented to be normal in this life. Or at least I believe that I am normal :P

It's amazing how I can transform misery into hate. Perhaps the more I know, the better I feel. Ignorance is not bliss in my case. I feel numb, no more tears, no more misery. I am happy to have those crazy insane evil thoughts whirling in my mind. In addition, my violent friends make things easier for me. I know I shouldnt generate so much negative energy and do something more productive. Well, I am trying anyhow, that is why I am writing this blog :)

stupid shuen, it takes one to know another so if I am flakey and pastry brained, so are u *kicks u* ;P *grins* I wonder if our meeting up is like what Alvarny describes as casual sex without the sex hehe.

Yay! I can finally elicit comments from you people, thanks to my diligent research ;P heehee...

Started my first working day yesterday. Exciting work environment coz it's new and coz I love the work tables, great colleagues (or at least they seem so to me) blah blah... Hope I made a good impression anyway... ;)

Hate is sucha poisonous yet addictive potion. It poisons my mind and yet I still want a higher dose each time. Worse, I get an unnatural high when this potion puts me in mental agony. It's turning me into a masochist!!! Hate somewhat reminds me of a weapon that is mentioned in Vonnegut's novel: a ten inch blade that is triangular in cross section so that when it is inflicted on someone else, the wound never closes up. Hate works the same way for me, it causes mental wounds in me which will never ever ever heal completely. Oh yes, I love Vonnegut's dark and irreverent sense of humour, I recommend Slaughterhouse five. It's got really cool torture methods, some of which are:
method 1: Putting the people u hate in the Iron Maiden and close the doors slowly on them and see the blood ooze outa the spikes especially from where their eyes are.
method 2: sticking a dentist's drill into the poor soul's ear.
method 3: staking the pathetic freak out on an anthill in the desert, facing upwards and put honey all over him and cut off his eyelids so that he has to stare at the sun till he dies.
method 4: feed your enemies with steak which has hidden sharp spikes so that when they chew on it, their tongue will tear, their throat will bleed. (actually this last method is used on the dogs in the story so I kinda modified it) :P

Violence is a sign of pregnancy. I am pregnant with hate. Hate is the growing embryo in my tummy. I feel nauseous whenever I concentrate on hate. Hate is eating away the beneficial nutrients which I am taking in. I believe it is gona take a life form of its own someday and eat me from my own womb. Or I may die from implosion. Cool..
Oh yes, I kinda like Shuen's idea of killing two ppl u hate:
Take out their intestines and tie them together and set fire to them? Cool way for them to die especially if they wana be together forever.

Gotta take a TV break.. Laterz..

I am so grateful for having true friends. I appreciate their calls, their attempts at making me laugh, their attempts at ermm mind-screwing me? :) Well, I appreciate that anyhow. I am not going to be corny or cliche by launching into some kinda long tribute to each and every one of them. I just wana let them know how blessed I feel to have these friends. You know who you are, thanks for the advice and everything. I will not disappoint you guys :) *HUGS* love you all... ;)

I regret trusting people so easily. People abuse that trust. I dont understand why they wana do sucha thing. Perhaps trusting someone too much can be translated into complacency. I think I have become too complacent as I assume that people wont misuse that trust so I let down my guard. I believed that people would not get much outa abusing that trust. I am so sick of myself, my folly. I now equate trusting others too much with the sin of being gullible and naive. I dunno if there is such thing as innate goodness in people. I can no longer trust the saying that everyone is inherently good.

People change so fast that it scares me. U can be on your way to heaven today and tomorrow u will be celebrating your co existence with Hitler or Satan. I think the more u trust someone, the faster they change and of course the more hurt u are. Dashed hopes, dashed dreams are also a result of misplaced trust. I see my hopes and dreams floating away from me and each time I try to grab hold onto them, they become more elusive and I get a harder fall.

Time to wake up to reality and face it: Trust noone but myself. Dont believe in human goodness. The ones who seem genuinely good at heart are probably aliens from an uncorrupted planet, disguised as humans. It is so easy to see the negative side of things and it is even easier not to trust anyone than to trust people. It is so easy to defile my mind with suspicion. I will probably die as a miserable old hag thanks to the kinda life I have.

What doesnt kill me will only make me more cautious... period

It's almost 3am, time to oil the cogwheels in my head.

Shadows fleet by.

Fading images of you.

Your face disintegrating,

Into a million shards

At my feet,

Without a noise,

Without an echo.

Memories bid their exit

With a resounding

Silence.

My audience claps

For the finale.

Congratulate myself

For releasing the kite,

For giving it freedom,

For letting it fly so high.

Watch it fly so gaily,

See how it never turns back

For a second glance,

Not even a second chance,

Never returning to me.

The strings are cut,

My heart strings untangled,

And I fill my void.

THE END

I dont wana mope around and feel sorry for myself right now. What's done cannot be undone. I just wana be at peace with myself but my vindictive nature unsettles me big time. I am at war with my emotions. I wish that emotions is a tangible entity by itself so that I can just pull it outa my body and genetically modify it to strengthen it. If the size of the emotions determines the emotional strength of a person, I would love to feed it with Viagra or some other size enhancing substances so that it will grow really huge. I wish the same goes for my ego. I would rather be overtaken by an inflated ego than to feel mean and insignificant abt myself. The world around me is ever expanding and I feel smaller each day. I believe that one day I will share the honour of being part of the micro organisms species. By then, I will be contented with just being a living entity. Sheesh, I have no idea what the hell I am saying. My thoughts are alwiz so derailed. I dont even see any connection between this last part of the stuff I am writing with the first part. But nevermind, who cares. I just wana feel less vulnerable.

This is dedicated to that someone who is determined to go all out to look for the missing thing in his life:

Will we ever wana stop searching for the things we want in life? But how do we even know what is it that we want out of life? If we can't find the thing that fills the void part of our life or if we dont even know what is it that we are looking for, should we go around the world just to look for it? Is leaving your loved ones behind to look for that missing thing just an excuse for escaping from your troubles/reality? If you feel that everything else is just an earthly possession, then why should you continue searching for that missing element when it is just another earthly possession? I hope you make a wise decision.

I am so obsessed with searching for the truth about what's really going on in my life that I have neglected to see the bigger picture of what is revolving around my life. The more I wana know the truth about things happening in my life, the more agony I am in when I can't find the truth. I no longer trust the meaning of truth. What is perceived to be true to others may not be so to me. But why do I still persist in finding out things when I know that the truth will hurt? I think I am turning into a masochist. I don't mind inflicting mental and emotional torture on myself. Maybe that is the way for me to go through life in a painful way? I dont think I deserve that but perhaps no pain no gain? I am a confused soul. I love and yet hate the pain.

I find this online journal really addictive. Thanks to Shuen who allowed me to take a look at his blogs. Very inspirational... Hey, how do I get the icon which says comments? So that ppl can post their comments?

My friend recently told me that his friends think that I put on airs and that was the first and only time I met them. I am still trying to figure out how I managed to give out such bad vibes. I recall making the effort to talk to them and be nice to them. Anyway, why should I be so bothered by their comments abt me anyway? Dont really care anyway.

Hmm, I still cant figure out how this damn thing works so herez some testing.. test test...