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Sunday, June 30, 2002

I gambled today for the first time in my life through Singapore Pools. Have never bought 4D or ToTo before. I don't know what made me want to bet on soccer. I had been so tempted from day 1 of the World Cup to bet on the matches but my will was strong enough to prevent me from succumbing to the temptation. I am glad I didn't bet on those matches as they were so unpredictable. But today, I am taking a chance. I am going to bet on the underdog, Germany, though it is not really an underdog. Since it is not the hot favourite, the profit is bigger if it wins. I put a 10 bucks bet on Germany and a 5 bucks bet on a draw. My heart tells me to bet on Brazil but my instincts (hope they are accurate) tell me not to. My friends were jesting that I could create a Maths worksheet for the kids using the World Cup bets as questions eg: What is the minimum bet I should place if I want a profit of $50, given that the rate is $3? OR If the match was fixed beforehand to ensure that the results would be in the ratio of 1:2, and Brazil scores 2 goals in the first half, how many goals must Germany score to maintain this ratio? Show your workings clearly and calculate the total number of goals. OR use the probability method to calculate the probability of Germany winning the World Cup.
Perhaps I could set questions for Eng eg: Give a character analysis of the Italians based on the actions they took following their loss to Korea. Of course, the kid would be expected to use the examples of the Italians firing Ahn and the Italian Mafia issuing a death warrant to the referee.
I think I am mad. I actually went to squeeze with so many people at the Padang yesterday to watch the match which was terribly exciting and made me unnaturally high. It was really warm and stuffy and there was hardly any room to walk because everyone occupied the smallest space available and tried to deflate their butt so that they could sit on the tiny square of space. It was quite an experience for me as it was the first time I watched soccer with such a huge crowd, at least a few hundreds. I know some of u may hate the World Cup because of the amount of hype about it but it seems to be really different this year. The underdogs like Senegal, Korea etc lasted long enough. Anyway, I am glad I finally decided to take the risk of losing money and bet! YAY!
Germany go!

Friday, June 28, 2002

The Normal stream students are always seen as the problematic and disrespectful kids. But my relief experience in a Normal Academic class was really unexpected. When I first walked in, the kids were cheering and whistling. I felt intimidated by the amount of noise they made and their height. As I knew that I would not be able to shout any louder than them, I wrote my instructions on the whiteboard: If you continue to be noisy and refuse to sit down, I will not take you to the lab. It worked like magic, almost the whole class sat down except a tall lanky boy whose back was faced to me. He was reading the notice board in the classroom. He was really TALL and I panicked but did not show my panic on the face. Thoughts were running thru my head: Should I call out to him and ask him to sit down? Should I say: The boy who is still standing will not go to the lab? etc etc.. My head told me that it's not wise to single him out or else it may be worse. I did not even want to scream at him and antagonize him because we may end up with a screaming match or he may accuse me of preventing him from reading the important notices. So, I waited. I simply stood there and looked at him (note: I didn't stare). His classmates were too afraid to call out to him to ask him to sit down, they were sitting there in silent anticipation. The tall boy realized that the class was unusually quiet so he turned around and saw what I wrote on the board. He shrank in embarrassment. He strode back to his seat. When I was pleased with the class's behaviour, I gave them instructions. I brought them to the lab. They behaved like monkeys once again so I told them to behave or out of the computer lab they go. The tall lanky boy did not sit down and I asked him to do so. He said that he did not have a chair so I rolled my chair to let him sit. The whole class started teasing him and he looked sooo embarrassed. I made them calm down by instructing them to complete an exercise about Michael Jackson's biography and other famous people. They were so excited when they accessed the website and were screaming like MJ. I told them that they sounded like a bunch of slaughtered chickens. They laughed. I am glad I didn't make any enemies. I made sure that I walked around to check on everyone of them. When most of them finished the part on MJ, they asked me who else they could search on as they could not think of any other famous ppl. I asked them if they watch the World Cup and if they liked Beckham or Owen. The next thing I knew, the whole class became high with excitement. They asked me if I support Brazil or Germany and I said Brazil. The guys cheered while the girls said that Brazil sucks. I asked them if they found Beckham's hairstyle ugly and that it resembled the head of a rooster, most guys agreed with me while some protested. Being a busybody, I decided to walk around and check out who the kids love. Most of them looked up on Owen and Beckham. Two students actually looked up on Osama! I freaked out because I could not imagine them idolizing Osama! I told them that he is not famous but notorious. But they said that he is well known so he is famous and I told him that he is not well known in a positive way but in a negative way so he is notorious, not famous. Sigh, they still refused to search for other famous ppl and insisted on Osama. I shrugged and let them be. A girl looked up on Tom Cruise and I told her that I also like him because he is soo cutee so we drooled together at his picture. I made sure that I interacted with every student. Thank goodness my pop knowledge of stars and singers ranging from Chinese singers to Malay singers is pretty good so I could connect with these young people. They were willing to talk to me and yet respect me. One of the kids even told me that MJ is not a real man, I was really amused. I realised that I have to be in the know of current trends so as to identify with these kids. It turned out to be a pleasant experience being in a Normal Acad class for the first time, considering the horror stories I had heard about such kids. Even after school, two of the girls from this class greeted me because they remembered me and did not fear me. It was just a greeting but it meant a lot to me since I was just a relief teacher and yet she greeted me. You may think that I am silly for being happy over sucha trivial thing but the job satisfaction I derived was indescribable.

Monday, June 24, 2002

If I can't be a model, I can be a role model...

I dropped a piece of tissue on the pavement today and I was so tempted to just leave it there but unfortunately, the people in my profession are expected to be perfect and not do such things in the public. Sighh, I had no choice but to pick it up and throw it into the bin. I hope some kid who saw me do this would see me as his/her role model. As if...

I feel so drained. My first day of work is sooo tiring, I can't imagine having to experience this fatigue for the next 3 weeks till term starts. Strangely, I was actually excited about my work. Perhaps it is because I feel so young again, dealing with young people. Made more new friends, have really nice colleagues. Like my table because there is so much privacy in my own cubicle. I am not anti social, I simply need some of my own space. Read a pages of Ho Mingfong's novel and thought that Cambodia is in Vietnam till my colleague burst out laughing when she heard what I said and corrected me. Gee, my geography sucks. Okay, no excuse, it is my general knowledge that sucks. I feel so ashamed of myself (for the first time in my life). Actually, I feel stupid telling you all how ignorant I am but well, at least I have learnt something new today, have you? :P

Saturday, June 22, 2002

I attended a counselling course, obviously on how to counsel problem kids. The solutions to solving problems are too perfect. For example, if A approaches me for help telling me that she has a crush on another girl, I am expected to advise her not to and tell her why. I feel that these kids should be allowed to feel that they have a mind of their own and that we should not brain wash them. Afterall, I am sure that they know what is right or wrong and even if I advise them not to do something, it may not help much since the choice is ultimately theirs. I would not wana sound like some kinda preacher and seriously, I dunno how much I can practise what I preach. I do not wana be a hypocrite and advocate principles which I do not believe in. And I believe that everyone's moral values differ and counselling is in a way, imposing my own beliefs on the counselee. I don't believe in saving the world or reforming people. Maybe I am too self-centered but hey, I have enough problems of my own and I don't think I have anymore energy left to transform people. I would rather that these people learn their lesson on their own but I guess I am just finding excuses to make myself feel better. Anyway, I really dunno what I have learnt from this course because I had been so skeptical about the theories presented that I was scoffing at whatever was thrown at me. My head just seemed to have grown hands that pushed the theories outa my head so as to facilitate selective amnesia. Seriously, I can't imagine counselling anyone or giving them the right advice. What if it doesn't work out well for them? Wouldn't I be blamed? I would rather tell them to do whatever they think is right and do it with a clear conscience. Sounds cliched but it's better than giving my own opinion and trying to reform them. Afterall, their future and life lie in their own hands, not mine.

I believe that there is match fixing. It is so RIDICULOUS that Senegal lost to Turkey! If they could beat France, why couldn't they have beaten the hell outa Turkey? Oh man! What's even more amazing is that Korea won Spain?! They have poor skills in passing the ball and it really shocked me that they didn't miss a single goal in the penalty shoot outs when they have consistently done so in previous matches. But I am glad that at least an Asian country got into the semis though I prefer the Japanese cuties ;P Anyway, I am glad I don't know how to bet on soccer or else I would have lost lotsa money coz the results are too unpredictable... Eeks.

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

I think I am a very insecure person. Everytime I bump into my friend in the street, the first thing I would say is: I am waiting for my friend / I came with my friend or anything else that indicates that I am not alone. Of course I don't lie about being with a friend if I am alone. Sigh, I don't know why I am bringing this up either and why I notice my insecurity only now. Maybe I am just trying to get myself into a writing mood. *shrugs*

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

I have been watching too much soccer at home, outside at cafes or Liat Towers where I don't have to pay for anything to watch soccer. I don't know why I am particularly excited about this World Cup, perhaps it's the unexpected results that entice me to watch all matches. This is really a year for the underdogs. I am still upset over the fact that Italy got kicked out, I love the guys there. But it is cool to have an Asian team beat Italy. I already felt sick in the stomach before the match started because I went to the UK fun fair where there were really cuteee guys and scary rides. I sat in this warped ride which went 360 degrees and went really fast in circles. I felt so vulnerable when I was upside down. I was screaming my lungs out coz I thought the seat may just come loose and I will fall to my death. I have never felt so vulnerable before in my life. Anyway, after just one ride, I did not have the guts to take any other rides because I felt real sick and was on the verge of puking. So imagine me watching the match feeling nauseous. I nearly vomitted blood when Korea won. Oh man, what a day.

Saturday, June 15, 2002

My friends were talking about miracles and I feel that the biggest miracle is not when a dying person is cured but a miracle is performed when you can change a bad person for the better. I don't think any Tom, Dick or Harry can simply improve a person's character for the better because it is no easy feat. And at this point in writing, I suddenly realise that I don't know why I am writing this. I think I am just blabbering whatever shit I can to make up for the absence of my writing for the past few days and for the next few days. Oh yes, I am kinda feeling real bored with my life right now, I dunno why I am bored when I am supposed to be busy doing research for my freaking thesis. I suddenly feel so inert, don't wana care a damn about anything or move an inch. Just wana curl up in bed and sleep as much as I please. My eyes hurt and get tired very easily these days, I wonder if these are the long term side effects of wearing contact lens. I wana slack and slack and slack...

I just pigged out big time today in JB, had stingray, snails, sweet n sour pork, vege, hotplate tofu, deep fried prawns and this cost my friends and I only $8+ each. Oohh, I can feel my waistline and my throat screaming for helppp. It really feels good to pig out once in a while without a care about the rising cholesterol level or the increased number of spare tyres. But as I am typing this crap, I am beginning to feel really guilty about my pig out. Hey but going to Msia is all about pigging out right? I suppose I am just trying to assuage my guilt. Heck, I hardly go to JB anyway :)

Thursday, June 13, 2002

My friend told me a few months ago that her baby son is almost due and I was telling her that it is a pity it won't be a baby girl. I personally prefer girls because they can be dressed in more interesting ways. Now I won't even debate with her about which sex is better. Because she gave birth to a stillborn. She had some virus attack which endangered her life but thank goodness she didn't lose her life but unfortunately the son she had been yearning for is gone. I kinda regret having teased her for not being able to dress up her child. Gender does not matter anymore. What is more important is that the kid should have survived. Life is so precious. I know that is very cliched but I never realised how much agony a mother to be can feel till this day. A child is afterall another precious human life, it does not matter what race, what gender etc. What matters is the child survives and is healthy. I hope she will be able to conceive healthy babies in the future.

Monday, June 10, 2002

*coughs* My sinus problem is back again, my mucus flowing like Niagara Falls, my throat thus getting infected and now a fever :( The weather is too unpredictable. Got to eat more garlic, love it raw but it is too acidic and makes my sinus problem worse. Curse my damn sinus problem.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

I don't know how anyone can talk about her boyfriend for hours. I just met up with some of my old friends and one of them has always irritated me and she kept talking about her other half throughout the entire dinner. It is amazing how she can bring him up in the most seemingly irrelevant topics. I nearly wanted to ask her: Don't you find your conversation too dry? She thinks that everything she says about him is entertaining. I was not abit amused by her actions or her exaggerated talk, only those idiots were taken in by her histrionics. I felt like taping her bloody mouth up because she was trying sooo hard to get attention. Thank goodness I managed to divert my friends' attention from her by commenting on the soccer match between Germany and Ireland that was being screened next to our table. I enjoyed excluding her from the World Cup conversation. I loved to see that look of desperation for attention on her face, her lame attempts to get their attention back. I just needed to say: Dammit, they nearly scored! And all heads would turn towards the screen to watch the replay. The wonders of World Cup :) Irritants like her ought to be the creepy crawlies in the soil for soccer players to trample on. Crush her! Let the ball hit her and concuss her!

I believe that there is always a limit to what you say about your other half. I don't think anyone can listen everyday to their friends who talk about nothing else but their other half. I suspect that her brain can only accomodate thoughts and opinions of her other half. I wanted to vomit into her dinner when she boasted about how her other half proposed to her. Sounded really corny and pathetic. And I am not eating sour grapes. I am just so damn disgusted by her full blown emotional dependance on her soulmate.

I wanted to tell her to get a life and talk about more interesting or intellectual stuff. But it is impossible to get her to do so since her brain functions for only one purpose. I am amazed with my high threshold of tolerance since I restrained myself from exposing all her dark secrets to make the dinner conversation more interesting. But there is always a limit to my patience. If she continues being an irritant, that's too bad for her. Oh fuck her.

Tuesday, June 04, 2002

The beauty of Literature, do read this:

2002 NSW Literary Awards Address On Readers' Rewards and Writers' Awards by Pierre Ryckmans

As you may perhaps remember, some time ago, the English actor Hugh Grant was arrested by the police in Los Angeles: he was performing a rather private activity in a public place, with a lady of the night. For less famous mortals, such a mishap would have been merely embarrassing; but for such a famous film star, the incident proved quite shattering. For a while, it looked as if his professional career might sink - not to mention the damage inflicted upon his personal life. In this distressing circumstance, he was interviewed by an American journalist, who asked him a very American question:"Are you receiving any therapy or counselling?" Grant replied: "No. In England, we read novels". Half a century earlier, the great psychologist Carl Gustav Jung developed the other side of this same observation. He phrased it in more technical terms: "Man's estrangement from the mythical realmand the subsequent shrinking of his existence to the mere factual - that is the major cause of mental illness". In other words: people who do not read fiction or poetry are in permanent danger of crashing against facts and being crushed by reality. And then, in turn, it is left to Dr Jung and his colleagues to rush to the rescue and attempt mending the broken pieces.

Do psychotherapists multiply when novelists and poets become scarce? There may well be a connection between the development of clinical psychology on the one hand, and the withering of the inspired
> >imagination on the other - at least, this was the belief of some eminent practitioners. Rainer Marie Rilke once begged Lou Andreas Salome to psychoanalyse him. She refused; she explained to him: "If the analysis is successful, you may never write poetry again." (And just imagine: had a skilful shrink cured Kafka of his existential anxieties, our age - and modern man's condition - could have been deprived of its most perceptive interpreter).

Many strong and well-adjusted people seem to experience little need for the imaginative life. Thus, for instance, Saints do not write novels, as Cardinal Newman observed (and he ought to have known, since he came quite close to being a saint, and he wrote a couple of novels).

Especially, practical-minded people and men of action are often inclined to disapprove of literary fiction. They consider reading creative literature as a frivolous and debilitating activity. In >this respect, it is quite revealing that, for example, the great Polar explorer Mawson - one of our own national heroes - gave to his
children the stern advice not to waste their time reading novels: instead, he instructed them to read only works of history and biography, in order to grow into healthy individuals.

Allow me to dwell one short moment over this particular advice, for it reflects two very common fallacies. The first fallacy consists in failing to see that, by its very definition, all literature is in fact imaginative literature. Distinctions between genres - novels and history, poetry and prose, fiction and essay, etc - are
essentially artificial; these conventional classifications are of practical use mostly for booksellers and librarians who have to compile catalogues or arrange books on crowded shelves; otherwise, above a certain level of literary quality, they present little relevance. For the perceptive reader, indeed, Proust's great novel is in fact a philosophical essay; Montaigne's essays are more diverse and surprising than any novel: Gibbon and Michelet's histories remain alive first and foremost as great literature; and, of course it would be ludicrous to reduce a polymorphous giant such as Shakespeare to the absurdly minor and narrow craft of playwrighting. As to the art of fiction, we have already learned that its aim is nothing less than "to render the highest kind of justice to the visible universe",* whereas the mission of the historian is to imagine the past - since history is believed only when a talented writer has invented it well. Novelists are the historians of the present; historians are the novelists of the past.

The second Mawsonian fallacy results from a mistaken notion of what "health" is. On this subject, I think that Laurence Sterne provided the correct perspective in his description of a visit he made to his doctor:
> >"- Sir, the doctor told me, your health is perfectly normal. - On hearing this, I began to rejoice, when the doctor pursued: - Such a condition is exceedingly rare; it is a cause for concern and calls for extreme caution".

Since Mawson just took us to Antarctica, before leaving this particular field, I might also add that, to his example, I have always preferred that of Shackleton - a much greater man: in the darkest depth of disaster, when all members of his expedition had to discard every piece of superfluous luggage, he refused to abandon his beloved copy of Browning's collected poems. One day, some scholar should write a doctoral thesis on "The Role of Poetry in Polar Exploration" - but right now, I ought better not wander too far away from my subject. My point was simply this: whatever fragile harmony we may have been able to achieve within ourselves is exposed every day to dangerous challenges and to ferocious batterings, and the issue of our struggle remains forever uncertain. A character in a novel by Mario Vargas Llosa gave (what seems to me) the best image for this common predicament of ours: "Life is a shitstorm, in which Art is our only umbrella".

This observation, in turn, brings us to the very meaning of tonight's function - the NSW Premier's Literary Awards. Any well-ordered State must naturally provide for Public Education, Public Health, Public Transports, Public Order, the administration of justice, the collection of garbage, etc.. Beyond these essential services and responsibilities, a truly civilised State also ensures that, in the pungent squalls of their daily lives, citizens are not left without umbrellas - and therefore, it encourages and supports the Arts. The Premier's Literary Awards are one important aspect of this enlightened policy.

The beauty of all literary awards is that they produce only winners - there can be no losers here. For this is not a competition, and in this respect, actually it resembles more a lottery. When we buy a lottery ticket in support of some charity, we expect nothing in return. Yet, if one day, we were to receive a phone call informing us that our number just won a sports car or a holiday in Tahiti, we would be surprised - and delighted. We would be delighted precisely because of our surprise. Though it may be pleasant to obtain something after a long and hard struggle, to be given it without even having had to ask - this is pure bliss.

Without doubting the quality of his own work, a writer who receives a literary award is perfectly aware that he is being very lucky indeed. Not only he knows that this honour could have gone to any other writer on the short list, but he also knows that there are many writers not on the short list, who might have deserved it equally well; and furthermore, it is quite conceivable that the writer who should have deserved it most did not even succeed in having his manuscript accepted for publication - it was rejected by twelve different publishers, and may have to wait another twenty years before having its true worth duly recognised.

Yet these considerations should not tarnish in the least the happiness of the winners. Ultimately lotteries are designed to benefit not their winners, but Handicapped Children, or Guide Dogs for the Blind, or whatever good cause is sponsoring them. And it is the same with the literary awards: year after year, they have only one true and permanent winner, always the same - and it is Literature itself, our common love, which we have all gathered here tonight to support and celebrate.
------------------
* These are the words of Joseph Conrad, in what remains the classic manifesto of the art of the novel - his famous Preface to The Nigger of the Narcissus. The first sentence reads in full: "Art itself may be defined as a single-minded attempt to render the highest kind of justice to the visible universe, by bringing to light the truth, manifold and one, underlying its every aspect".

Pierre Ryckmans was born in Brussels in 1935 and obtained a PhD from the University of Louvain. In 1970 he came to Australia and taught at the Australian National University, and then was, from 1987-93, pofessor of Chinese Studies at the University of Sydney. He is a Fellow of the Australian Academy of the Humanities and a member of the Academie Royale de Litterature Francaise (Belgium). He delivered the 1996 Boyer Lectures.

Dr Ryckmans, who writes under the pen-name Simon Leys, also has a distinguished publishing career. He is the author of The Chairman's New Clothes: Mao and the Cultural Revolution (1977), Chinese Shadows (1977), The Burning Forest (1985), The Death of Napoleon (1991), The Analects of Confucius (1997), Essais sur la Chine (1998), The Angel and the Octopus (1999), and ProtÈe (2001). His awards include The Independent (UK) Foreign Fiction Award, the Christina Stead Prize for Fiction in the NSW Premier's Literary Awards, the Victorian Premier's Prize for Literary Translation, and Prix Renaudot (essai); he is Officier (Ordre de Leopold), Commandeur, Ordre des Arts et des Lettres (France).

Monday, June 03, 2002

I wonder what is the most significant difference between the way men and women talk. Any idea? Do you think women are better in detecting hints made by other people than men? For example if I say this in an air con room: I am so cold. Will a guy know that I would like him to turn the air con down? I would like your opinion because I intend to do a thesis on this ;P Thanks dudes ;)

Sunday, June 02, 2002

I wonder why is it that I see so many Charlie Sheens in the Paraguay team. Hmm, Santa Cruz is definitely one of them, he is so damn cute. So are the Argentinians especially Batistuta *slurps*. It is ironic that I ended up watching the first two matches of the day and missed the England vs Sweden match ARGHH! It is a pity that England didn't end up with a 2-1 win over Sweden. Sighh, I shouldn't have distracted Michael Owen the night before.
Ahh, it's late so here's my parting speech...
I love myself, I love the footballers, I love all this hype about World Cup and lastly I love u all ;)

Saturday, June 01, 2002

I am so pissed! I wana watch the World Cup matches and the bloody TCS is not even generous enough to telecast the more popular matches! Oh man, I will miss out on all the cute footballers erhhh I mean great football :P Sighh, can anyone tell me how the hell I can watch the matches FREE? Call me a cheapo, but I ain't gona apply for SCV coz I don't watch Eng Premier League etc but I love to see so many countries competing against one another. It's almost like going to a world war without any bloodshed. I wana see how China will fare. I am not surprised if China wins at least a match considering how rough and rude most of these Chinese are (as evidenced by the behaviour of the China students in my sch) and how stinky they are coz they hardly bathe (yucks!). I know I am prejudiced but they irritate me all the time. Don't even suggest that I should go to pubs where the matches will be screened, I have NO mONey! I am contemplating the idea of going to Funan centre to watch it but my friends think I am crazy and they won't accompany me so what's the point of going there alone if I can't share the excitement with anyone? Damn, I should have made more soccer-crazy friends who have SCV at home so that I can camp at their place :P

I am craving sooo badly to watch the matches especially the ones with England, Italy and Germany. I wonder if this would be a year for the underdogs with the exception of Saudi Arabia. Its defeat is so appalling that I am tempted to tell the players to pack up and go home. But I suppose they are simply unlucky to have their first match with Germany. I hope they will compensate for this tragic defeat anyway. if I were one of them, I would have committed kamikaze though. My first reaction when I heard that it lost by 8 goals was a laugh or a snigger, whichever sounds meaner.

Back to the issue, I need you to suggest ways to watch World Cup without having to pay anything. ;) Whoever gives me the best suggestion will get a trip around the world. hehe.